Today was much like any other day. Into the city early. Get breakfast, chill for thirty minutes, and into the grind. (which I love so this is not a complaint) Feeling a little pumped because the energy all day was positive with a smattering of negative. Like a PINCH. So, as I leave I spot the Manager and ask him about a mutual friend and fixture of the facilities. This guy had been there for YEARS. I mean the facilities had been sold 3 or 4 times and the deal included this guy or no deal. (multimillion dollar transactions I might add) What did he do? Don't know. Though I did see him take stuff around in his lap. Like internal shipping. Understand the manager knew him for MUCH longer than I. But for at least the last 10 years I've know this man. While over the last four I've lunched with him and talked hockey with him. I never talked shop. Just sports and how he was. The three of us would sit and yak about sports, cottages, the Toronto Maple Leafs.
He was a married man bound to a wheelchair by a debilitating illness. I never actually asked him what happened. All I know is he was happy and miserable all at the same time. Approximately a year ago he fell ill and was unable to return to work. Everyone was hoping for a return but a couple months in I was told "he just wants it end". I asked to be kept in the loop but II got left out. Today I said, "Hey, How is he? When's he coming back?" My buddy just looked at me crestfallen. Didn't you know? I assumed everyone knew." he could see the tears welling in my eyes. "I'm sorry man. we posted it on the site too." I could tell this broke his heart to tell me after months of assuming I knew.
I was caught off-guard to say the least. He apologised for not telling me but I'm not mad. He's a very busy guy with a lot on his plate and lots of people to juggle. Between Clients and staff I can totally understand why I might have fallen into the cracks. Still, it hurt to think I wasn't on the list of "must tells."
Do you think of your own mortality when someone you know dies? Does it matter how old you are? In front of others do you feel anything other than mild sadness? What's appropriate? Do you hold it in if it's at work or is it ok to lose your shit? It's so hard to make the human choice when standing on ceremony. So many thoughts fly through your mind. Will someone think you over sensitive?
I've come to realise as you I hope may, that you are who you are. In those vulnerable times it is right to be just that. Those that care will accept and support you in those moments. Chances are they feel the same. Maybe you will help them to release as well. Sometimes one persons release is the lesson for anothers.
But that day was a reminder to me of the sensitivity of life. Being aware and unaware all at the same time.
Life is a funny thing isn't it.
Yours In Clay & Water
#grief #anger #loss #friends #support #workplace #emotionalturmoil #understandinghurt #grieving